A Deeper Introduction

I’m a 36 year old Manic-Depressive with a side order of Social Phobia. I’ve been tossing around the idea of writing a book since my third therapy session about 10 years ago. My therapist told me she thought I’d have a lot to say. I didn’t really believe her. But a few months ago I found myself in my Psychiatrists office with 6 files spread out in front of me. As I dug through those files I found it fascinating that this person I was reading about was actually me. Due to my illness and medications I’ve taken over the years my memory is shit. Stored in those files are things I’ve never told a soul (except the therapist, of course). They were secrets that were hidden from my own brain until my clear, medicated mind went back to read them. What a story it is.

I must say though, I don’t imagine my story is any different than any other person who lives with a mental illness. Sure there are levels and I suppose my level may be a bit worse than many, but I also think, for the most part, I’m relatively sane…in a manic depressive sort of way.

I have only once ran around outside in the snow wearing my underpants looking for that pack of cigarettes I threw out 10 hours before determined to quit. I’ve danced in the Sonic parking lot on a Friday night making sure to give each car a special show, nothing perverted, get your head out of the gutter. And yeh, one summer I maxed out three credit cards totaling about $3000 when I had no job to make the payments. Oh crap, there was also one time I spent about three days wide awake, manic as heck watching QVC ordering shit I’d never be caught dead in (a jean shirt with a puffy ass poodle on it. You know? Real puffy shit that stood out about 2 inches from the shirt. Serious, what the hell is that about?)

Ok, so other than that I’m normal.

I get depressed. I get confused. I hate going out in public, strangers scare the shit out of me. Heck, even people I love scare the shit out of me when we are out in public, they may try to introduce someone to me.

Sometimes I’d rather be dead.

There’s a whole self injury thing that I think I’m over with. THAT was a mess. I know there’s people out there who think that’s attention seeking behavior but for me it was a very real *feel good* coping strategy that actually worked. That’s why it was so hard to quit. People do what works for them and if anyone educates themselves about self injury they will find out it releases *feel good* chemicals into your brain. If the bloody anti-depressants, mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety drugs did what they claimed to do I think the act of self injury would disappear.

So, anyway, that’s me in a nutshell (pun intended). Aside from all the crazy, I do have a great love for life. I like to be creative and I love, Love, LOVE spending time with my dog. If I had the land and the money I would have tons of animals. I love to read, when my brain allows it. I love to write, again, when my brain allows it. I enjoy watching movies when I can sit still long enough. I’m a political and news junkie. I used to meditate and do yoga, I was very calm when I did that but I fell off the serenity wagon. I’m trying to get back on it again.

I have an incredible family. My mom is the kindest, most loving human being I have ever known. I’m not the only one who says this about her either. She has a peace about her that calms everyone down. If I could bottle her up and sell her I’d be a rich woman. This is a woman that gave birth to me and had a horrible delivery, it’s a miracle that we are both alive. But not only was she fighting for me my first day on this earth, she continues to fight for me. She has saved my life more than a few times. There’s a story about this that I will one day share.

I have a wonderful husband who tries very hard to understand me. We’ve been through hell together and some would probably wonder how we’ve lasted as long as we have. But there is a common bond with us. He is sick as well but not like me. He has alcoholism (recovering). They say misery loves company and that may be how we got together. But during our time together we have both fought to break free from our demons, with much success. I may never understand his illness and he may never understand mine. But we do understand there is a great love between us and that can not be denied. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh. I can’t imagine my life without him in it. And he’s pretty damn cute too.

You can reach me at: tinfoilpillboxhat@gmail.com